If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize