Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
