LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
