Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
