I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
