when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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