four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
