She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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