i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We got so high we made milksteak
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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