she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
