dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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