Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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