We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
