FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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