my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
