it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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