Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
