pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize