I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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