I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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