The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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