The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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