I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We got so high we made milksteak
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
