Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
