so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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