just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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