I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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