I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There are leaves in my underwear?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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