Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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