Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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