I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
