I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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