The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
