sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
