i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
