Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
