I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
