I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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