Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
