Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
