Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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