the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
