my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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