were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize