I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
