She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
