Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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