My liver just broke up with me...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
