Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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