So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
