My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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