i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
