Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
