I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
