I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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