you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize