Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
