so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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