I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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