Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
