Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
